Outsider.

Outsider.

For the last 12 weeks, I have been waiting for the outcome of my application to undertake a PhD in Australia. I have had my heart and mind set on undertaking a PhD for the last 18 months and I have been working tirelessly to try and make that dream of mine become a reality. My supervisor-in-principle and I have done everything on our end to put me in the best position possible and any day now I should be receiving the outcome.

Before I moved to Israel, one of my friends in academia recommended that I keep a journal close by and write everything that I see, taste, hear, touch, and smell. My original plan was to commence my PhD in Australia; my research would focus on the Australian Women’s National soccer team leading up to the World Cup in 2023 co-hosted by Australia and New Zealand. I was excited at the prospect of being on the ground floor doing what I thought would be important work on leadership and team performance in women’s soccer at the elite level. However; COVID has delayed the start of my PhD and my return back to Australia because their borders have (for the most part) remained closed since March of 2020. If I am accepted to undertake my PhD at a university in Australia, then I will most likely have to rethink my research questions and subjects for study because I might have to start remotely.

My friend suggested that I consider an autoethnography from my experiences here in Israel. My friend, who is about to complete her own PhD which explored women’s soccer, shared with me the limited research on player-coach relationships and even fewer studies that examined women’s soccer in the Middle East. I was excited at the idea that my voice and experiences would matter and make a difference in women’s soccer.

As a foreigner, I am already an outsider. As a researcher, I observe and ask questions, taking note of everything beyond what I notice on the soccer field.

Earlier this week, two of my Arabic teammates took me to Tel Aviv; specifically, they showed me Tel Aviv-Jaffa. We live in Netanya which is about 32 kilometers from Tel Aviv. As we entered the city, I noticed graffiti covered walls and fences all around buildings. I couldn’t tell if it the fences were there because of renovations or for some other reason (i.e. to keep others out as a safety precaution). The buildings appeared old, the land dry. I am used to seeing land covered with trees and green grass, but here in Israel it appears to be much more of a luxury. To me, my first thought while driving into Tel Aviv was that it looked like the aftermath of a war zone that was in the process of being rebuilt.

I asked my teammates about the history of Tel Aviv and Jaffa. I could tell that this was a controversial and tense topic of conversation because when I shared this conversation at the dinner table later that evening with one of my Israeli roommates and teammates, she had a different understanding of the history. Since I have arrived, I have tried to understand the history of Israel and its neighbors. I knew that this was a land rich with history and I wanted to better understand it for myself. Even though I have lived and traveled to other countries, I still am not as informed as I should be into the conflicts that affect my home country and those internationally.

I had reservations moving to Israel because of the strong opinions from those close to me who live in the U.S. They were concerned for my safety if I moved to Israel and they held these opinions because of what they read and saw on the news. Moving to Israel, I feel like I am getting a more accurate history of the country. I found value in what I have listened to on podcasts, but I feel a much deeper connection living in the land I am learning about rather than learning about it from thousands of miles away. While everyone holds their own opinions and biases, I believe there is value in being able to ask someone what it was like growing up and living in a country at war and seeing with your own eyes places rich in history like Jerusalem. There is value in gaining an insider's perspective and I have learned to not rely solely on those reporting from the outside.

I love soccer; but there is so much more to being an international soccer player than just the game. To me, living in Australia, Italy, Iceland, and Israel without learning about the culture of the people and soaking up every new opportunity would be like walking around with blinders. Failing to learn about the culture and history of the countries I live in and people I live with would be a great disservice and would not make me a better, more well-rounded person. I have been afforded opportunities that make me very privileged, and I want to make sure I am truly leaning in so that I can use what I know and have learned about to be a positive agent for change in women’s soccer.