Long Distance Relationships.

In the past, I have done a few Google searches on “long distance relationships” to see what advice people have given regarding how to make long distance relationships work for them. Last night, I used the keywords, “international,” “soccer player,” and “long distance relationships.” I was curious to see if a former or current player had written anything on the topic and I was disappointed at the results of my initial search. Of course, there very well could already be some blog post like the one I am about to write and I was using the wrong combination of keywords.

In the last two years, romantic relationships have been my Achilles’ heel. I have either met someone I fell in love with while playing soccer in another country, or I have left someone from my home country that I care deeply about to play in a foreign country. As I got older, I felt exhausted and anxious the next time I would have to pick up and move for my next opportunity.

I am not one to give advice when it comes to another person’s love life; however, I can share my thoughts on long distance relationships and the lessons I have learned from my experiences.

When it comes to romantic relationships as an international soccer player, I have leaned towards an all or nothing mentality. Those who know me would say that this “all or nothing” mentality is not just applicable to romantic relationships, but in all areas of my life. I do not want to live in extremes and so this is something that I have done specific work on in therapy sessions. Nevertheless, when I enter a new place, I either make an intentional decision to keep my head down and focus on my professional life (soccer and other projects I am working on), or I decide to be a social butterfly in my free time. I haven’t quite figured out a middle ground yet, but neither mentality has been particularly healthy for me.

When I am dating someone who lives in another country, there are several immediate challenges. First, the time difference is not ideal. Second, having the physical touch of my partner is important to me and this is not something that they can give me when we are on different continents. Third, it takes time and effort to make a long distance relationship work, more so than if they were in the same location. What I have noticed from watching my teammates in long distance relationships is that they sometimes make decisions that insulate them from the team. For example, rather than spending time with teammates, they might be inclined to stay home to call their partner because that is the only time that they can talk with them on the phone. As an older player, I am more conscious about this and make sure I don’t miss an opportunity (particularly early in the season) to bond with my teammates. Admittedly, I have woken up earlier and stayed up later than I would have liked to if I were single. Sleep is important as a professional athlete, and I think this is the one thing I have sacrificed the most for my relationships.

Long distance relationships are feasible. For me, I am a very independent person. It has been important for me to be partners with someone who is also very independent and with someone who shares my values. What it looks like for us is that we don’t feel the need to call each other every day. What is looks like for us is that we recognize that there are certain things that we can’t give each other while we are apart- this goes into a larger conversation that we don’t believe one person can give another person everything that they want or need. I share this about myself to say that there are compromises that each person has to make when they decide to commit to a long distance relationship. This isn’t necessarily any different from romantic relationships that are in the same location. Some compromises are small, while others are big, but these compromises are different for each person. For me, when I have been with someone who didn’t share my values and was not very independent, my soccer suffered and I did not enjoy my experiences playing and living abroad. On the contrary, with someone whose values and independent lifestyle aligned with mine, I felt free and was able to focus on my soccer career.

I want to acknowledge the players, and coaches, who navigate the challenges of long distance relationships. For me, talking about how I feel with my partner or with teammates/roommates has been helpful. This is something that has been on my heart to write about for a long time, but I recognize that my values and mentality are not the same as others; however, I think that needs to be publicly acknowledged and discussed to help players considering long distance relationships or who are currently in a long distance relationship to validate their feelings.