External Validation.

February is a big month for me.

This month, I apply to The University of Queensland's PhD program, I have my USSF C License in-person final examination at the end of this month, and I am completing the analysis and written portion of my research project as the final requirement of my Master's degree in Leadership.

Yesterday, I took a walk in the snow covered sidewalks and listened to a podcast. In this podcast, the speaker talked about external validation. The message of this podcast was to learn how to sit with myself without my accomplishments and the things people see on the outside. Moreover, the accomplishments served me, but they aren't me; and I don't need to show up in all these different ways to people who love me just as I am.

I reflect often about my childhood and why external validation has become so important to me and my self-worth. My parents were raised to appreciate everything that was given to them and learned hard work at an early age. Learning their background, seeing how hard they worked, seeing the sacrifices they made for my brother and myself, and growing up in the house and neighborhood that my brother and I grew up in, I had this drive to work hard as well.

My parents cared about the grades I got in school and my performance on the soccer field, but I don't recall them ever really pushing me; I don't think they ever really had to. My parents set up the environment for me to excel, and I did. For example, I remember coming home in the afternoon and doing my homework on the kitchen counter with my mom nearby before I watched TV. I worked hard, but school came fairly easy to me. It was more of the inner-mind game I played with myself that was challenging. It was the game of comparison. I wanted to get a higher grade than so and so. I wanted so much extra credit that I was the best in the class.

If I was to dig a little bit deeper, I think what drives me is the fear of disappointing others and not doing what I say I am going to do- this can also be referred to as others' judgment of me. I made a lot of big mistakes in my life, but at the same time they proved to be opportunities for growth. However; I know that I disappointed quite a few people, and even lost close friends as a result of my decisions. It hurts me to disappoint those with whom I am close with. Additionally, when I say I am going to do something, and I don't, I have a hard time letting that go. In my mind, I made this public declaration and I feel as if all eyes are on me. The reality is that I care more about making other's proud of me than I do about being proud of myself.

So, where does this need for external validation come from? For me, it comes from a few different places. I am aware of external validation now more than ever. As a young coach, as a young researcher, as a young adult, I don't want to make the mistake in thinking my self-worth and the reason I am loved is because of anything I have done because that just isn't true. To me, I think that overcoming the need for external validation is self-love. I am very aware of how often I ask other's for their opinions on the work I am doing, the emails I write, what changes or modifications I should or shouldn't make. It is quite obvious I don't trust myself. This is a cycle that needs to be broken.

This isn't to say that I can be proud of my accomplishments; I don't need to minimize them. The accomplishments help me to get me to where I want to go and do the work that I want to do. As the speaker of the podcast said, they can serve a purpose.

What I want to work on moving forward is trusting myself. I want to have the confidence to submit an assignment or send an email without having to consult anyone. (Yes, there's a time and a place to ask for feedback). What I am working on is trusting myself, loving myself, because the accomplishments, the letters at the end of my name or position, they are not me. When all is stripped away, what is left? Me. Just me. And that's how it always has been. And that's enough.